The last year
by Lettersarecolours
Summary: Set post "Red John's Rules" - 5x22. Reviews would be really nice, I'm not a native english speaker so forgive me my mistakes. Feel free to correct them.
1. Chapter 1

„Jane, please, say something", she was trying to approach a tiny little bit. He didn't.

He was staring out of his window for hours after he had crushed the disk into thousands of pieces. It had shattered like all of his hope. The hope he got from putting pictures and informations together from his memory.

After a while of nothing Teresa stood up and was about to leave, she said "good night, get some rest" and closed the heavy door behind her. There she was, standing just a few meters away from Jane, she still refused to call him Patrick which was weird but she couldn't help herself. Her head was aching, her stomach was aching, she felt useless leaning against the cold metal door.

She felt useless and stupid. Useless because she couldn't do anything against Red John messing around with Jane's head and stupid because earlier in the car she saw him breathing heavily after she had started a conversation and brought _them_ up. She thought he was about to say something lovely, that he adored her. She was being silly. Silly little girl with faith, she thought.

"Hello? Teresa, is that you?" Lisbon winced and suddenly her pulse almost went through the roof. Did she say the last words out loud? She almost didn't realize she was sitting on the cold floor for quite a while when she managed to answer.

"Ehh, yeah, sorry. I… I…" What was she about to say?

Hey, Jane, I'm sitting here, I can't leave because everytime I see the slightest piece of hope in your face, my hearts breaks. Again and again. She took a deep breath.

"I just thought I forgot something, but I didn't, good night." Yes, that was an amazing lie.

"That was an amazing lie, Lisbon." Great, she loved it when he was the echo of her thoughts.

"For how long have you been sitting here?" The voice asked, the door was still closed.

"Frankly, I don't know."

"I'm sorry."

She shook her head. Just for herself. "You don't have to, this time you haven't done anything stupid."

"Yes, I did."

She was about to get angry, of course he did. He was the greatest idiot she had ever met. She tried to calm down her trembling voice and was about to say something when...

"You know, I made a mistake a year ago."

Here we go, she thought. Now, it's getting funny.

"I was hyped up and freaking out about Red John, and that 'Love you' just spluttered out of my mouth."

What was he about to say? Teresa pulled herself together and still she was sitting there like a little child who's going to be informed about his parent's death.

"I didn't mean it like that. Of course, I don't love you."

The tears suddenly came streaming down her face like waterfalls. Here it was. Her parents were dead. Little girl, stand up and go on. Life is beautiful. She swallowed, he must have heard it. The sound was loud and empty. She took a breath and said:

"Yeah, I know. Did you really think I was in love…" She forced herself to laugh.

"Well, I wasn't sure. You got really emotional about Lorelei and I… I… thought I saw something in your eyes… then. We were working together for a long period of time, maybe. You know. Feelings can develop." His voice was insecure.

Thanks, for your advice, Mr. Psychic. I know about feelings, Lisbon grinned about her helplessness.

"Lisbon? Are you still there."

"Yes, I am. It's all fine. Don't worry, we are partners."

He had heard this before. Still he wasn't sure about it when she spoke again.

"I was angry then. Angry that you didn't behave like a partner, no such thing as love was involved." That was pretty convincing, Teresa, well done. The tears have stopped. Sometimes, she considered, the tears were a sign of medium sadness. You reach a point where you simply can't cry anymore, a point of deep despair and an absence of hope. She got to that certain point.

"I'm glad about your words. I don't want anything to spoil our _platonic_ relationship." There was emphasis in his words, the way he pronounced platonic was weird but she accepted it. She managed to get on her two feet again, tried to stand still remove the dust that had settled on her jeans.

Then, suddenly, she heard him slide down, his back against the door. She heard him swallow. She did.

He was about to pull up the biggest lie, the greatest con in his entire life. He just told Lisbon, he didn't love her. And it worked. But did it work out for him? No.

Jane wanted to open that stupid metal door and sort things out. Instead he sat down, unable to stand there and talk to a closed thing anymore.


	2. Chapter 2

He could hear her walking down the stairs, slamming the door. She must have been devastated. Probably she was crying, he was so sorry.

He went outside the attic and tried to catch a short look on Lisbon, it was dark and the street lights kept wrapping the city into a dusty fog. There she was. Almost running, her dark wavy hair floating in the wind. She tightened her coat and disappeared behind a dark corner.

Jane kept staring in the same direction for hours feeling the anger rising from his stomach, up to his dry throat, moving forwards to his head. He turned around, entered the room and went towards the metal door.

He didn't seem to be stopping, instead he made a fist and hit the door with all his anger and despair. The pain came quickly, he leaned forward and gave his aching head a rest on the cold metal thing that had kept them apart. Then he sank down on his knees. The last time he cried, it was because of Angela. The guilt made him cry then. Kristina Frye had brought up feelings he couldn't cope with.

This time, it was different, he started crying because he was not sure if he was able to look into Lisbon's, _into Teresa's_ face again.

His thoughts made circular moves, he tried to catch them, he was exhausted from weeks without nights, full of adrenaline and fear from being discovered.

Then, his phone rang and he could catch a thought. It was _No_.

He ran to his mobile and saw a _private_ _number_ calling, his hands started shaking. He pressed the tiny green symbol when he heard the voice.

"Hello Patrick." It was Lisbon. He calmed down.

"Lisbon." She was breathing unsteady.

"I just wanted to tell you that right now Red John and I have a lot of fun together." Then the connection was gone.

No, he kept repeating. No. No. No.

No, while he ran down the stairs.

No, while the keys didn't want to open his car.

No, while he was crawling through the night in his blue vehicle.

After a short period of time which felt like ages he was there. He stood in front of Lisbon's appartement and there was a piece of paper, pinned to the wooden door.

**Dear Patrick,**

**I love your chase and the conclusions you made. Did you like the video Lorelei made for you? She was a naughty girl. Now, she found peace.**

**I'm sorry, you didn't tell Teresa that you do love her. Never let a person go before things aren't sorted out. Noone ever told you that? We'll have a great time together.**

And then, there was a smiley face. Patrick pulled the open door and turned on the light. His body was out of control but he couldn't afford a break down right now.

He knew it from the moment he said _Love you_ to Lisbon that she would become a target, _the_ target. Taking her away from him would destroy every piece of hope he had gathered in the last years. He wanted to make it right, was trying to tell himself that he didn't have any feelings, deny the thoughts about her, the smiles she gave him. In the end, he couldn't leave it unsaid anymore.

Especially not after Lorelei had pointed it out very quickly, after Sean had mentioned it. Lisbon wanted to talk to him a year ago, he pretended not to remember which was ridiculous, of course. Lisbon wanted to talk in the car, he cut her off. Why? Because he was a jerk, pushing away the person that was closest to him, the person that could give him support whenever needed. The person he obviously did love.

He sat down at the desk and felt helpless, Red John didn't even give him a hint where he could find her. What was he doing to her? He should call Rigsby and Cho, and van Pelt. They might help him, but then again his wasn't even able of taking out his phone. His head sank down, it wasn't what he expected to happen, he should have run to find the woman but the strength was gone. And only emptiness and fear remained.

Then he saw it. The frog. The one that was able to jump. The sheet was yellow and old, it must have been here for years. He once gave it to Lisbon and she kept it. He looked at it closely, someone had unfolded it and he could see letters. While destroying the present he gave her once a text was appearing.

**This took a while, but you are a clever boy. Come play. Love your attic.**

And then he ran again, leaving the apartment, crossing the street, jumping in the car, jumping out of the car and there he was. Standing in front of his own attic, the cold metal door grinned at him and said _come in, this will be fun_.

He was playing a pretty sadistic game, Red John brought her to his attic. He was insane. But this time, he was pushing it too far, Jane wouldn't let this happen. Again. He took a deep breath and tried to open the door.

It was closed. And then he heard her scream.

"Patrick."


	3. Chapter 3

Someone suddenly unlocked the door and Jane was able to get into his attic. He immediately saw Lisbon all tight up to a chair, she couldn't move and was breathing hard. She had bruises over her face, he must have beaten her. Of course, she tried to defend herself when he attacked her.

He wanted to turn around but then heard him speaking.

"If you turn around, I'll kill her." The voice sounded familiar but he couldn't concentrate, the absence of sleep, the fear. He was terrified like never before. He didn't turn around. Instead he was looking straight into Lisbon's green eyes. She looked calm and at peace with herself. She was to strongest woman he had ever met.

It was all quiet in the attic and Jane started to think about what was going on here. What was it all for? He wanted to understand Red John's intention but he didn't.

"Don't you want to say 'hi' to each other?" the voice said sarcastically, "you haven't seen her for a few hours, didn't you miss her? Your _love_?"

Jane swallowed, now it was Red John bringing _them_ up. Again. What was he supposed to do now? He realized, he didn't even bring a gun. Even if he wanted to kill Red John, he was not able to do it right now. His thoughts faded away. Again.

Lisbon felt awfully, her whole body hurting she sat there and couldn't do anything. She could see Red John and she was almost sure about his voice, the mask he was wearing couldn't hide his weight, his height and his tone. She didn't know how he caught her, she went out of the CBI building, tears rolling down, she had been so angry about herself. About the belief in true love which was a thing she felt when she saw Jane almost every day. The whole street had blurred throughout her eyes and in her troubled haze she asked herself if he really meant it. I don't love you. Of course, I don't love you. The words echoed in her head and made their way to her fingertips but didn't leave her body.

And then everything was fast and dark and aching. She must have been unconscious for a while, he hit her until she couldn't fight anymore. There had been no gun, she could have grabbed. And now there she was sitting in one room with a serial killer, with _the_ serial killer and the man who wanted to kill the serial killer but was not allowed to turn around to get the slightest look. What was it? Some kind of absurd theatre?

She lifted her eyes, Jane's and hers met immediately, but she couldn't recognize the look he was trying to share with her.

"What do you want?", Jane finally asked not facing the man who killed his family.

"I just wanted to show you what I am capable of. I could have killed poor agent Teresa Lisbon. But you know, Patrick, I will give you another chance. You should take better care of the people you love. Stop putting them into danger. Or at least you should stop falling in love with them." The metal door closed while making a horrible sound.

"He's gone", Lisbon whispered. She could see little drops of sweat on his forehead, his blonde hair was wet. His hands were shaking, he was about to break down. Then he slowly started moving towards her, even though it didn't seem to be him actually moving, it seemed more like he was controlled from afar. He untied her but didn't speak. Not a word. Nothing. Now it was the absolute silence that was trying to kill her. They went down to the CBI office where he helped her treat the wounds and bruises Red John had caused. He didn't even share a slight glance with her but watched his feet move here and there. He appeared to be the lamb that awaited his slaughterer.

Meanwhile, Lisbon wasn't even angry anymore. She knew that this evening, that night had reminded him of his wife and daughter. She felt sorry for him and forgot about the last year, the words Jane had said to her earlier that night. She forgot how to cry. She forgot how comfortable she felt when she was around Jane.

"Let me take you home." These few words were the last thing she heard from him that night. And she didn't say _no_, she wanted to refuse his offer, but she couldn't. There was hope again. And she hated herself for having hope.

When she woke up the next morning, he wasn't on her couch anymore. He must have left the apartment after she fell asleep. She didn't report anything to the CBI but took some days off. She needed a rest.

He didn't call, didn't send a text. He expected her to be okay. He was simply not in love with her. Red John had obviously a different opinion to that. Red John gave her hope right now which was insane.

When she couldn't stand the pain of not knowing she drove to the CBI office. She went up the old stone stairs and knocked on the door. Heavily. Then she waited. Nothing. She knew he was in there, so she knocked again.

She heard the lock getting opened, slowly. The door that has kept them apart for a whole year. The last year, the weirdest year they ever had together. Lisbon realized how close they have been, how she had to bring his memories back, how she thought he died in a car accident.

Now, she was going to talk to him. The very moment the door opened she could look him right into the eyes.

"Lisbon? Come in." The radio was turned on, some old stuff was playing.

"Jane, we need to talk."


	4. Chapter 4

He didn't look relieved at all, he was struggling with the trouble he had caused her.

Lisbon knew, it was up to her to start a conversation, so she decided to walk towards him, she felt the sweat on her small hands.

"Listen, Jane. It's all fine. You didn't see it coming.", she almost whispered wondering whether he could hear her.

He looked up from the ground, took two steps back because he realized that he was standing so close to her he could feel her warm breath. Lisbon lowered her eyelids.

"Yes, it is my fault. As I told you years ago, everyone who gets close to me is in danger and-"

"I don't care. Stop pushing me away.", she screamed at him.

"If Red John kills me you can't do anything against it. So, just stop it. I can protect myself."

"Yeah, right. I saw that." She could see the pain in his eyes wondering where it came from.

"Jane, I understand, this brought awful memories back, I'm sorry about that."

"No, Lisbon you don't understand. You don't understand at all.", he bawled.

"What's going on Jane? We…we are partners." The words hurt, she felt like they would burn her tongue. He could probably see it but right now she didn't care.

"Yes, yes we are." He nodded.

He could immediately see her looking on her feet, she was about to leave, she could not stand it anymore. She swallowed her pain and continued her speech to focus on the problem.

"Then tell me, what your problem is because I'm seriously not getting it." She forced the words out of her mouth and he knew she wanted to talk about Red Johns allusions to their interest in each other.

"It's nothing, Lisbon. Everything is fine. I just need to calm down a bit. I was really terrified to lose you, partner." He tried to catch her sight but just saw her turn around and leave the attic. She was leaving, again. Maybe she was finally convinced by his lies.

He couldn't go after her, he couldn't tell her that he loved her, he had always loved her. He couldn't risk her life anymore. In the end he would lose the woman he loved. Again. His thoughts floated to Angela, she had been the woman of his life. Jane had wanted to grow old with her, it didn't work out. And it had been his fault. Maybe he couldn't change his past but he could have a great impact on his future, on Lisbon's future which meant to take care of _her_ life. Red John crossed a line. This wouldn't happen a second –

He heard a hard smash and the cold metal door opened up again.

"You know, what, Jane. I'm tired of this comments others make about us. Lorelei did it, Sean Barlow did it and now even Red John, your enemy, the man you want to torture when you finally get him, even he said it. Tell me, why?" Lisbon's hands were shaking. He could see rage and fear; he could feel the strength she needed to bring this topic up.

"I'm not sure about that, I think they want to distract you because it affects you, obviously."

"What? It does not affect me."

"Then why are you here again? I thought the conversation we had a few minutes ago was over." Maybe being rude would help, Jane thought.

"I just wanted to sort things out, you know: face to face. Last time there was a door between us.", she added. Jane was getting nervous, he was a great liar. But he would not lie to her when she was standing in front of him with tears coming up slowly but constantly. She took a heavy breath and promised to herself that this was the last heavy breath she had to take because of Jane. When her eyes were moving upwards she could see he wasn't wearing his wedding ring but she ignored that slight little. She got distracted by Kansas' _Dust in the wind_ playing while she put the letters together, formed the words she wanted to ask for such a long time.

"Jane, do you love me?"

_No, _he thought_. _Not_ No. I don't love you _but_ No. Don't ask me that question._

He looked into her eyes.

Then, there was nothing but silence.

He grabbed her roughly, his hands wandered along her neck and forced her head in the right direction. He pressed his dry, longing lips against hers and moved his body so he could feel the warmth she was sending out.

He thought she would slap him in the face, but she didn't. She didn't participate in the kiss immediately. She was overwhelmed by the whole situation. He could feel it and stopped, released her while placing his forehead on hers. Lisbon's face was blurred, he must have started crying.

Then her eyelids rose.

"I'm so sorry, Lisbon" still sticking to the formalities.

She placed her hands on his bearded cheeks, he gave her hold by embracing her.

And then she kissed him.


End file.
